2002-06-16 - 12:39 a.m.

Laughter... bitter..self loathing laughter I think..not quite sure at the moment.. the ciggerete burns didn't really appear on my arm from last night.. except one bubble.. debating wether to give a matching one on the other arm tonight.. the joys of booze.. would use the alchole word, or however it is spelled, but can't spell it at the moment.. drunk again.. slowly but surely becoming more self destructive.. chain smoking.... will I burn up and out.. I do not know.. its been so long.. took me a couple tries to get password spelled correctly... despair... listening to people argue in the backround..~sighs~sometimes I think I do wish for death.. solonely at times.. ramble bitch bitch pay attention to me bitch whine complain.. rather pathetic of me, don'tcha think.. Watched a tree brach fall down 10-15 feet from me when I was laying in the grass during 75 mileish winds, according to news or such not.. Branch hit a car, most hilarious.. amusement.. honest laughter.. rare but good.. the storm was good. I wished for more. Spare me, or torment me.. care not.. want not.. need not.. deserve no less? Why are the able slaves to the non able? Those silly things I wonder........ Forever and a day.. I need more wine and other such unhealthy substances I think. Pop go my fingers... I hold your blood in my fists.. or prehaps it is my own... it doesn't matter.. I will squeeze anyways I think... Save me??? an earnest plea.. I wishful hope.. vanity and apathyand well wishes I think.. broskie should be back with more drinks soon I hope... ~sighs~ Empty.. peice of artwork given soul my ass.. more a peice of art given awareness and a longing for a soul.. .. silly pursuits... silly people arguing in the backround.. why?? futility.. the lost arguing with the lost.. not all those who wander are lost.. but those who don't are... tis a truth.. one I forget at most times.. ~sighs~ again, lonely.. again seeking.. ~curls up , yet doesn't.. wishing he did and that someone or something would guard him in safety.. it would... would.. hmmmm.. would trade my pride and will.. for a time at least.. just to be safe... impossible daydreams.. is hould know better then that... yet I don't.. so sad.. pathetic.. weak .. Ialmost used the word bard.. but I fear that may bedone now.. but.. ~sighs even more~spirallying.. not conductive to anything... bloody run on sentances... must go.. tired of bickering in backround.. bickering in soul... oh thou soul of my soul, I shall grasp thee again, and with god be the rest... tired of typo's.. could correct some of them.. yet don't care enough at the moment, already wasted enought time corredting the obvious ones as I typed this....... so cold now.. so cold.......